The Clearing Process<\/p>\n
Often there are relationships in our lives that are toxic and destructive. Sometimes this happens because someone does something to us and we don’t have the ability to confront them. Here’s how I believe this can be handled.<\/p>\n
For example, someone you know socially buys something from you and doesn’t pay for it.<\/p>\n
The outcome you want is to be able to be in a room with this guy and be nonplussed, perhaps a little annoyed, as if at a child who cheated you out of $5.00. You don\u2019t like him, you don\u2019t like what he did, but he didn\u2019t take anything of particular value to you and he hurts his own reputation far more than any damage done to you. He\u2019s the fool. Anybody he tries to \u2018brag\u2019 to would think less of him. \u201cWhy would be proud of cheating a nice, honest guy like you?\u201d If people he is \u2018bragging to\u2019 respect him for cheating you, then you don\u2019t give a damn about those people anyway.\u00a0 Your success is such that you can handle the loss of the money he stole, although not without a fight\u2026<\/p>\n
Therefore, let your lawyers do the heavy fighting \u2013 make sure they\u2019re after him as diligently as possible. Instruct your lawyers to go after him with a vengeance –\u00a0 then you let it go.<\/p>\n
The clearing process I outlined is a way of saying everything you need to say then letting it go. The very best way of doing it would be that you and a few friends sit down with him and a few friends.\u00a0 It\u2019s good to have a few other people there for support, although they don\u2019t have a role.<\/p>\n
Data:<\/b> State what happened. Be concise and 100% accurate. These need to be inarguable facts. There is nothing here that can be disputed or questioned by him. Example: On Jan 1 you bought something which you have not yet paid for.\u00a0 Note that a statement like \u2013 \u201cand It appears you don\u2019t intend to pay for it\u201d does NOT belong here. That\u2019s a judgment of yours, not an indisputable fact.<\/p>\n
Judgment:<\/b> This is what you have \u2018made up\u2019 around what happened. It may or may not be true \u2013 although you think it is. Be clear that this is your judgments. Example: I believe you do not intend to pay me and that you planned to stiff me from the start. I believe you set out to cheat me.<\/p>\n
Feeling:<\/b> How does this make you feel. Example: Sad \u2013 you were a friend \u2013 betrayed. Embarassed. Humiliated\u2026<\/p>\n
Action:<\/b> What you would like to happen. Example: I would like to have nothing to do you in a business or social setting.
\nThe key here is there is nothing for him to say. You haven\u2019t asked him any question, accused him of anything, or made any statement that suggests a response. You\u2019ve said what you need to and, ideally, you\u2019re done with it. Speak your piece then leave. If he starts to respond, listen but don\u2019t argue \u2013 if there is a possible resolution here to be gained by arguing it, the lawyers will find it. Let your hired guns do the gunfighting.<\/p>\n
The alternative; brooding, being angry, avoiding reunions because he\u2019s there, crossing the street when you see him coming \u2013 start on that path and you\u2019ve let him take something FAR more valuable than money.<\/p>\n
Buddhist Parable
\nTwo monks were strolling by a stream on their way home to the monastery. They were startled by the sound of a young woman in a bridal gown, sitting by the stream, crying softly. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she gazed across the water. She needed to cross to get to her wedding, but she was fearful that doing so might ruin her beautiful handmade gown.
\nIn this particular sect, monks were prohibited from touching women. But one monk was filled with compassion for the bride. Ignoring the sanction, he hoisted the woman on his shoulders and carried her across the stream–assisting her journey and saving her gown. She smiled and bowed with gratitude as he noisily splashed his way back across the stream to rejoin his companion.
\nThe second monk was livid. “How could you do that?” he scolded. “You know we are forbidden even to touch a woman, much less pick one up and carry her around!”
\nThe offending monk listened in silence to a stern lecture that lasted all the way back to the monastery. His mind wandered as he felt the warm sunshine and listened to the singing birds. After returning to the monastery, he fell asleep for a few hours. He was jostled and awakened in the middle of the night by his fellow monk. “How could you carry that woman?” his agitated friend cried out. “Someone else could have helped her across the stream. You were a bad monk!”
\n“What woman?” the tired monk inquired groggily.
\n“Don’t you even remember? That woman you carried across the stream,” his colleague snapped.
\n“Oh, her,” laughed the sleepy monk. “I only carried her across the stream. You carried her all the way back to the monastery.”
\nThe learning point is simple: Leave it at the stream.<\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The Clearing Process Often there are relationships in our lives that are toxic and destructive. Sometimes this happens because someone does something to us and we don’t have the ability to confront them. Here’s how I believe this can be handled. For example, someone you know socially buys something from you and doesn’t pay for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/32"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/page"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/32\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":34,"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/pages\/32\/revisions\/34"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/markcrobinson.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}