Protected: My Maiden Voyage

On Bangla Road, Phuket, there are hundreds of bars, massage places,and a few “fishbowl-style” men’s spas. I was looking for something a little more upscale so I walked into the “Harem Club.”

Was hoping for a quieter place… I imagined naked girls dancing to smooth jazz background music while being fondled and teased by topless stunners until I took one (or two) of them to a nearby hotel.

The music wasn’t smooth jazz.

As soon as I walked into the place, I was assaulted by blasting techno music. But there were naked girls dancing on the stage and I figured this was probably the right place. I put in my ear plugs and sat down to watch.

A server came over and showed me a menu. I ordered a cheap Chang beer and pretended to sip on it. It was still early, about 9:00, and the girls on stage seemed somewhat unenthusiastic. There was only one or two other patrons in the bar.

Looking around, I noticed another room behind me where the girls seemed a lot prettier. So I picked up my beer and sat down on a really nice couch in the other room. A server came up to me and said I couldn’t sit there. If I wanted to sit in the VIP room I needed to open a bottle. So I went back to my original seat and thought about what “opening a bottle” might mean.

When the server came over, shouting over the music and through my earplugs, she explained to me that I needed to buy a large bottle of alcohol to share. She showed me the menu there was a bottle of something for 2,500THB which seemed to be the cheapest, I pointed to that and she shook her head no. Well, I wasn’t there to save money, and I wanted to identify myself as a ‘high roller’ to get the experience I had come for.

The next one was a bottle for 4,000 THB $110. I don’t remember what it was, I don’t drink much if at all, and don’t recognize the brands. It was a popular brand.

They brought me into the VIP room and sat me back on the couch. Someone came over and started shouting at me about free water or soda. I didn’t know what they were talking about and so I just shook my head and said okay. Turns out they were offering me free mixers.

A few minutes later to security guards came over. I was momentarily worried. Then they started pointing at and examining at the ceiling in front of my couch. The guards left and were replaced with six topless women, one carrying a tray with my bottle, others with shot glasses, two girls with mixers, and a girl with a large fireworks sparkler that she lit and held up. The guards were, assumedly, checking the ceiling for sprinkler heads. I would loved to have been there the time they learned that from experience.

I picked the most beautiful topless girl I could find and motioned to her to come drink with me. I sipped lightly at a glass of ice water with a splash of alcohol while we shouted introductions, kissed (lightly) and fondled one another. Another equally stunning girl caught my eye and I asked her to come over as well. They sat on either side of me and made me very happy. Occasionally other girls would come and sit at the table and ask if they could have a drink. When I agreed they’d take a little slip of paper and put it in their wristband… that’s how they get paid. I frequently bought them drinks; the price of having them sit there with me.

Just a note, this place is completely “pay as you go.” Every time they brought a drink they would ask for payment right away. This is a really good system that protects people from ending the night with a huge bill they didn’t expect and can’t pay. I really liked that.

Another girl, nice not terribly attractive sat down And I offered her a drink. Short hair, nose ring, flat-chested; not my dream girl but in gratitude for the drink she leaned over, put her hand in my lap, and gave me the sexiest deep French kiss with passion and energy.

One of the girls asked me to buy a 12 drink package for 4,000 baht. I agreed and they brought a tray out of shot glasses which my girls and others helped themselves to. Occasionally one of the girls would have her turn on the dance floor and I’d make out with the others on the couch for a while. I was probably there about 2 hours and thoroughly enjoyed myself.

It was time, I thought, and I asked the girls if I could take them out. They said it was a little early, but I insisted and they checked with ‘their boss’ who said it was okay. They probably considered how much I’d already spent there and whether that was enough to justify letting me go.

They explained to me that the bar fee was 2,000 per girl and they each got 6,000. The little blonde girl was sitting there and caught my eye and I said, “let’s take her, too!”

They seemed to get excited by that. One said that this was her best friend. The other said that she had never done three before and the look in her eye that suggested she thought it might be fun. I, too, had never done three – this was my ‘maiden voyage.’

They took me to a hotel next door. I think the clerk seemed confused and charged me more because there was three of us. About 800 baht.

The room was pretty shabby but I don’t care. After a quick shower we hopped on the bed and began to figure out how to do this.

We started with me on my back, a girl on either side of me, three-way kissing, while the third girl worked her mouth between my legs. Later, one rode me cowgirl while the other two played with her breasts. I went missionary on one while kissing and fondling the two on either side of her. At one point I put one girl between another’s legs but she quickly moved away – they don’t seem to like anything that might be considered ‘lesbian.’

Eventually I finished and they all seemed thrilled… Either because they had ‘succeeded’ or because it was finally over. We dressed and I tipped them each 1000. They seemed both surprised and thrilled.

We walked out of the hotel into the street. A couple of guys were sitting at a table nearby watching. One, apparently impressed, gave me a thumbs up. Yup.

Total damage:
Drinks 12,000
Bar fee 6,000
Girls 18,000
Room 1,000
Tips 3,000

Total 40,000 ($1,100 USD)

…and if you believe that money can’t buy happiness, you’re shopping at the wrong stores.