Interview with the Universe

I was telling a friend that I hadn’t been dating much lately. She said that perhaps I was creating a vacuum in my life and, because the universe abhors a vacuum, this would draw in the right person. This was my response.

NASHUA, NH, Feb 21

In a surprise move today, the Universe agreed to its first-ever, exclusive interview. The very busy Universe claimed only to have a few moments. Staff reporter Robinson, after having pursued answers from Universe for most of his life, was ecstatic. He probed Universe with the questions that had plagued mankind since the beginning of time.

“The Universe abhors a vacuum. What does that really mean?”

“You people never listen! The phrase was ‘The universe abhors TO vacuum.’ I hate it! It’s noisy and smelly. If you guys want to pick up all the dust and put it in a bag, find a better way. The only thing I hate worse is mowing the lawn. It’s a waste of day and the stuff just grows back anyway.”

“What challenges does the Universe face?”

“Right now, my biggest problem is TIME. When I designed the orbits of the planets, galaxies, and constellations, I completely forgot about the Year 2000. Everything is based on a two-digit date. I’m concerned that on the first day of the year 2000 the timing of the universe is going to crash. The stars will suddenly think they’re supposed to be in their 1900 positions!”

“So what’s the meaning, the purpose of life?”

“Quantum Physicists realized that in order for something to exist, it must be observed. Read about Schrödinger’s Cat. Life is the part of the universe that is charged with observing… so that everything else can exist. All that other stuff you do with your days…. meaningless. It’s just to keep you from getting bored. By the way, next one of you to put a cat in a box with a vial of poison is going to find a nasty surprise in your colon! Gotta run, now. I’m meeting another universe for a Nova sandwich.”

Asked about his impressions of the Universe, Robinson said, “Einstein was right. The Universe is warped.”